Listen to Wahine and Mahu Chapter One: “Think About Yourself Too”
Listen to Wahine and Mahu is a blog series conducted by me in which I interview Native Hawaiian women or any Native Hawaiian who does not identify as a man who wish to talk about their negative experiences with men or talk about Hawaii, and overall, wish to share advice with fellow Kanaka and other readers who might relate.
Chapter One: “Think About Yourself Too”, an interview with Linaka.
The first Kanaka Wahine I interviewed for this series was Linaka, an amazing woman who had to deal with what sadly a lot of us Kanaka Maoli had to deal with which is generational trauma as she wanted to talk about her father. The story of her and her father is more than just the tale of a good daughter and a bad father. This is a complex story of when to do right by yourself, your health, and your future when dealing with a frustrating and sad case of a man who doesn’t want to face accountability and will weaponize his own past and tragedy as a shield and an excuse. Linaka’s parents were victims of abuse by their parents, both dealing with a lot of pain, both having this in common, they also have in common how they didn’t resolve things with their parents. However, Linaka’s father inability to get over his past and pain lead to him inflicting pain upon his daughter and has been stuck in a negative state.
Linaka had to survive her father being meth addicted and an alcoholic who was spontaneous in his abuse and could never really predict what would set him off. Linaka’s mother previous relationship with the man was roughly the same but it lead to her having a son, Linaka’s older brother who she never really got that much of a chance to get close to as they were separated and he became a meth addict like his father. Due to her father being unstable, Linaka and her mother was mostly supported by Child and Family Services through some very difficult processes as her mother had a restraining order against him and all three had to attend therapy together. Linaka’s father got clean when she was 12 and he held on more to his faith as a Christian and became more preachy while never focusing on himself. In the last few times they talked, Linaka’s father never got a chance to know her despite the many times she reached out to him, hoping that one day, they could have a good relationship.
Linaka’s father, foolishly thought they had a good relationship, in denial of the harm he has done, and was surprised whenever Linaka brought this up. She didn’t demand or ask for an apology as Linaka just wanted him to acknowledge the horrible things he did. Whenever it was brought up, he would constantly bring up how he was abused and that he lost his mother when he was young and that he didn’t understand why she kept focusing on this. Linaka’s father also kept worrying about her brother, saying he had to reach out to him because her brother became an addict who never got clean and he went to prison. Linaka’s father and her brother were close, so close to the point that he would talk to her about her brother all the time on the phone because she’s “on a good path”, he doesn’t “need to worry about her” and he decided to keep focusing on him and not worry about his daughter.
Linaka sometimes wondered if her father was trying to pit her and her brother against one another for his attention. In the times she tried to help her father become closer to her, Linaka revealed she was pansexual and her father, clinging to his beliefs, decided to be pan-phobic, encouraging her to want men, asking several type of insulting questions. Linaka’s father, over the years, built up this fantasy that he somehow was a flawless father who sacrificed a lot because of what he went through. He was in so much denial that he was constantly “taken aback” whenever his daughter brought up the truth. Whenever the past was honestly discussed. Whenever any chance to connect to his daughter was thrown his way, he rather take the chance to defend himself and promote the sadness of his past and what he went through.
Linaka, when talking to her father for the last few times, realizes how selfish he was and how damaging he was to her and her health and knew she had to make a choice. She couldn’t keep tolerating this person who was stuck in this cycle and while Linaka said he got calmer and less angry, he was still running away from the past and from the truth. Linaka didn’t yell at him for an apology even through she had every right to. She wasn’t cruel to him even though she had many reasons to be. The last time she spoke to her father was in mid August and Linaka sadly realized that her father couldn’t change and wondered where could the relationship they had could realistically go.
Linaka pitied her father and thought deeply about him and her and knew that he could never be there for her and might not want to. She decided to stop talking to him and ever since then, has felt happier and have been doing better mentally and spiritually. When I asked her about why she shared this with me, I wanted to know in her own words, what lesson she learned from this and would want to share with others. The lesson was to “Think about yourself too.” Now some would think that is a simple or small lesson but it is not, especially if you’re a child born in an unhealthy family or to an unhealthy parent.
So often, most of us children have to sacrifice our happiness and the security of our mental health for our parents or relatives, letting them trample our feelings because of pain they went through before we were born. Generational trauma is like a poison and it spreads from the top of the family tree down to it’s present descendants and can emotionally corrupt or petrify a person. Linaka didn’t want to let this poison hurt her anymore and unlike her father, decided to move on and the first step was needing to consider herself too. Cause her father wouldn’t and couldn’t. Some might think it’s selfish but in a situation where you’re constantly being disrespected and hurt and never thought of, thinking about yourself and then choosing for yourself is not selfish.
What Linaka did was not selfish as it was essential for her health, her survival, and her future. She did what was right and she honestly still feels sorry for her father and the only one who can help break the cycle he’s stuck in is himself and Linaka couldn’t keep suffering for him. He would get offended when asked to change when it was important to change for him, for those around him, and for the better, overall. If any of you reading this is stuck in a bad relationship or situation in which you’re constantly suffering, consider for a moment to honestly think about yourself. Being selfless can be a great honorable virtue to live by but that doesn’t mean you should allow others to hurt you and when hurt, thinking about yourself can be a good and selfless thing.
I thanked Linaka for sharing this deep part of truth about her life and I fully believe that this story will inspire others. After she was finished telling this impacting story and before the interview was over, I asked if there was any other advice she wanted to share with other Kanaka Maoli and she wonderfully had same words to say.
To any Native Hawaiian who mistreat any darker skinned Native Hawaiians and any Black Native Hawaiians, you are helping the colonizers and you’re being just as racist as haoles. How dare you mistreat your own family? Our brown and black siblings are hurting, and you claim you’re Kanaka Maoli when you’re really acting like a white man on the inside? To any Native Hawaiian who mistreat Micronesian people and Filipino people, you are not helping and you’re being just as racist. While some Christians are bigoted, especially the white Christians who colonized our home, that doesn’t mean we should automatically abandon any Native Hawaiian who believe in Jesus Christ.
Unless they think or act are as bigoted as a colonizer, they’re still Kanaka Maoli and while they might not believe in the Hawaiian Gods, as long as they don’t harm our people, please don’t be distant to them. And to any person who lives outside of Hawaii, it is not a paradise that is freed from racial problems. Anyone telling you that wants you to move there and wants to continue this fantasy that Hawaii loves to serve tourists. There are all kinds of racism and bigotry in Hawaii which is not as focused on compared to other places occupied by America or other countries. And lastly, Linaka wishes the best to Kanaka Maoli who are wise and kind.
This was my first interview which I’m so grateful for Linaka for and more of this series will be underway in the future and I hope those reading this enjoyed it, especially fellow Kanaka Maoli. Mahalo and love you all.
